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Monthly Archives: January 2010

Various Miscellaneous Etceteras January 2010

Welcome to this episode of VME’s; my recounting of the universal insanity plaguing mankind.

The Earth Sucks

Four fatal plane crashes in one day. What the hell is going on?

Of course, the immediate assumption is that the downsizing of airline staffs have lead to rushed, shoddy, cheaply accomplished maintenance.

This is a valid concern.  Employees and wages are being cut. Even the $5.00 bags of ten peanuts are not helping to stem the tide. The airlines can’t be too far from outsourcing maintenance to non-English speaking flowchart readers who worship Bic lighters.

However, this is not why airplanes are committing suicide on behalf of their passengers. There is more insidious reason.

The Earth is selectively increasing gravity to suck planes into the ground. It is undoubtedly insulted at the idea that it can be destroyed by SUV emissions and cow farts. That’s like telling the biggest guy in the bar that your grandma could beat his ass.

The Earth wants us to step outside.

Enough with Haiti

This one is going to make me popular.

Enough with Haiti. We get it- big earthquake, things fell down, people hurt, they need money. If you want to send your cash to a place where there is nothing to buy, it is your business. It is a laudable sentiment to want to rebuild rat infested shacks to their former squalid glory.

But please, no more media whoring by digging (sorry) for stories with even the most remote relationship to the tragedy. “Local man thought about traveling to Haiti just a week before a temblor destroyed the country.”

No one (aside from me) seems to have a problem with news channels using the deaths of hundreds of thousands of people to boost ad rates.

Celebrities are even worse. Every time the media starts this whoring of a heart wrenching event, publicists send their clients swarming to the limelight like flies heading for a feedlot.

Of course this is capitalizing on tragedy just like the media does. Worse, these self-seeking bloodsuckers demand that we give money. Hey, jerk wad, what about your money? You have a house with a garage that is worth more than Haiti. You don’t need that crapper with the solid gold seat and flush lever. Sell your “hey, look at me” junk and give the money that you don’t need to Haiti. When you have done that, you can come whining to me.

New York

People from New York, the greatest city in the world (in their own minds) whine more than a spoiled three-year-old.

“There is one coyote loose in Central Park! Close the park! Call out the SWAT team!” So what? Coyotes are scavengers. Unless you are dead, you are safe.  Man up, you pussies.

“Waaah, AT&T won’t let us buy iPhones on the Internet.” For Christ’s sake, there are people getting kicked out of their homes. Yet this stupid story made the front page. Gods forbid that other people get to do something that New Yorkers can’t. Listening to the way they are puling, you would think they had been denied the right to cancer treatment.

The examples are endless. The really bad thing is that New Yorkers think the rest of us care about their crap.

Six feet of snow in Iowa?  Not a word on the news.  One inch in New York,  Armageddon will get less coverage.

A twenty-seven car pile up in Oklahoma City is not worthy of a blurb. But a car running into a guard rail on the Long Island Expressway is treated like a 747 full of handicapped schoolchildren crashing into a retirement village for nuns.

Hey, New York, stop believing your own hype. No one west of New Jersey gives a rat’s ass  about you. People in “flyover states” laugh a lot harder at you than you ever could at them.

California

I am sick of you people on the Left Coast as well. You are heartier than the New York wimps but you take it to the other extreme. You thrive on misery.

Could you pick a worse environment this side of Mars?

You build expensive houses that stick out over the sides of mountains. And you do this in areas that are full of highly combustible material, zero humidity and dry wind that blows, like, 100 miles per hour. Why not make it perfect and water your lawn with gasoline? That extra bit of fire assurance will save you a lot of inconvenience.

Otherwise, should the house miraculously survive the wildfire, the first rain will send it sliding its way to Tijuana.

To be fair, there are people not rich enough to build a sumptuous home on the side of a slip and slide in the middle of a blast furnace. They are happy just living on a fault line and waiting for everything to be destroyed at once.

If you people want to live in this desert “paradise” it is your business. What I have a problem with is this: you live in these Jerry Bruckheimer-esque places and, when the inevitable happens, you expect the rest of the country to pay to fix things. You take our money and rebuild the same things in the same places.

Do you know the definition of insanity? It’s doing the same thing over and over hoping to get a different result. Gosh, I think I will keep buying cars and running into bridge abutments. I just know that, one day, there will be no damage to my vehicle.

Be insane of you want, but not on my dime.

The Solution

We can fix all of this.

Send the Californians to Haiti. They would be orgasmic to live in that misery and destruction. Promise them some free tax money and they will rebuild the country in plenty of time for the next earthquake.  Since they are Americans, the media and celebrities  won’t care. We can get back to hearing about important things like Tom Cruise being seen in a gay bathhouse.

New Yorkers go to California. We won’t have to spend our tax dollars to fund rebuilding after fires, landslides and earthquakes. The New Yorkers won’t rebuild (a la Ground Zero). They will just sit around crying and puling about how unfair it all is. Since said crying and puling will be regarding real disasters, the annoyance factor will be reduced somewhat. The New Yorkers will also, of course, crow about how important they are because the disasters happened to them.

That leaves the Haitians to go to New York. After the squalor they have been living in, even Queens will seem like paradise. They would probably make a pact with the Devil out of sheer gratitude. If any coyotes show up, the Haitians could eat better than they have in years.

Of course, we would fly them all on Krishna’s Discount Airlines. And we’ll paint Al Gore’s picture on the tail of every plane.

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