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Monthly Archives: October 2009

All We Have to Fear is the Boy Scouts

In Europe there is a nuclear research facility called CERN. Perhaps you have heard of it. It is a giant think tank and laboratory that has had such minor achievements as inventing the World Wide Web.

They are dedicated to screwing with the fabric of the universe using the Large Hadron Collider (which I am sure Captain Kirk defeated several years ago). Many educated and informed physicists say that, if they get the thing working, it is going to create a giant black hole which will swallow the Earth. Some say it will create anti-matter which will immediately react with and explode every molecule within a few million miles.

Over a year ago they fired this baby up and “something” went wrong. Something serious enough it is not fixed yet. This should give us confidence that those responsible have their eye on the ball and are ready for any problems.

Recently, a physicist from French Algeria who was working for Al-Qaeda was arrested at CERN. I am sure his employment there was just a fluke.  CERN says there is nothing that terrorists could use. Indeed, what use could someone with a degree in particle physics  find for something that can create antimatter and  turn the Earth into a black hole for Allah? No one would risk their own lives for the paltry promise of an eternity in heaven with 72 virgins. Not even his brother, who was also arrested. Or the extensive network of Al-Qaeda cells the physicist was associated with.

Some chicken littles worry about this. How ridiculous! There are plenty of safeguards in place and, even if they weren’t, there is really nothing to worry about.

CERN is  jointly owned by the countries of Europe. The countries that so bravely endured World Wars I and II and stalwartly put us on the brink of World War III. You know, the people who award the Nobel Peace Prize.

Beyond this, a group of esteemed scientists are in charge. We all know scientists are infallible. Science has proven this.

Now you see that CERN makes Ft. Knox look like a piggy bank.

CERN is one example of how misinformed we are and how much our concerns are misdirected.

While we wring our hands over a Swiss nuclear toy box, we ignore the real threat to our safety: the Boy Scouts.

What makes this bloodthirsty organization so nefarious is that their target is schoolchildren, America’s future.

This horrid organization actually recruits children, America’s future, to conduct their terrorist operations. They entice them with promises of camp outs, awards and s’mores. Here are some examples of how the”BSA” works (please don’t read them if you are prone to anxiety).

In Delaware a six year old Cub Scout was apprehended with a dangerous weapon smuggled into school. It was a supposed “utensil” containing a knife, fork and spoon. The savage claimed he was “excited by his new camping gadget” and brought it in to “show it off” to his friends and to eat lunch with. Thanks gods an alert student reported him to the teacher before hundreds of innocents could be spooned to death.

The boy was sentenced to 45 days detention in a school for a troubled youth. In light of his horrible crime, I feel that the punishment is too light. We can only pray it is enough to discourage him from growing up to bomb day cares and burn retirement homes.

This terrifying account is nothing compared to what could  possibly have been an attempt to commit the most horrendous terrorist act since 9/11. Of course, it was planned by a Boy Scout.

A 17 year old boy, a high-ranking “Eagle Scout,” infiltrated a high school. Like the coward he is, he hid behind receiving an award for saving a life and spending 10 weeks of his summer vacation learning to defend his country. “Be prepared” is a Boy Scout code phrase for “arm yourself, we are planning an attack.” This is just what the boy did.

Observant school officials trained in the art of terrorist detection apprehended the boy and, after grilling him for hours, forced him to confess that he had a deadly two-inch pocket knife secreted in a “survival kit” locked in his car.

Showing true dedication to the safety and security of the United States and of its people, school administrators immediately banned this future Al-Qaeda operative from setting foot on school grounds for 20 days. This laudable action saved countless students from potentially infected minor scratches. The much-deserved punishment also put a blotch on his permanent record. It destroyed the chances for  dual-uniformed terrorist to fulfill his true mission: infiltrating the military academy West Point.

Ha! He’ll be explaining this to schools and employers for the rest of his life! Takes that, you Muslim freak.

We have become so misguided. We worry about one machine capable of destroying the entire planet  being accessible to angry zealots with the knowledge and ability to use it.  Or some guy  conveying threatening information to his violent associates.  Come on!  It’s not like Large Hadron Colliders are available in every 7-11.

Compare that  to the millions of  deadly  knives, forks and spoons that can be obtained easily by Boy Scouts with access to millions- maybe billions- of innocent people including school children, America’s future.

The authorities responsible for the safety of the world are taxed to the limit keeping cutlery-related terrorism from eliminating our way of life. But all you wimps want to whine because they don’t spend their time uselessly worrying about what is essentially a big magnet. This drains important resources away from protecting ourselves and our children, America’s future.

If we don’t get our priorities straight, the terrorists will win.

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