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Your Poop Does Stink

I need to take some valuable blogging time to address what has long been a plague on American Society: the work dump.

The issue with this abhorrent behavior is that it forces other people to deal with the smells, sounds and other activities related to the crapping process of strangers. It amazes me that individuals who would not dream of belching in public have no qualms about opening their rectums and eliminating noxious substances behind the thin veil of a bathroom stall.

Natural body processes, namely the need to urinate, continue at work and cannot be ignored. Thus, people are forced by biology to use the restroom.  Since this is a shared facility, they have no choice but to deal with whatever horrendous activity is going on in there.  They are forced to endure the gagging smells and obnoxious noises that arise from the intestinal purging process of individuals they have never met. These innocents are prisoners of the public pooper.

Being shackled to others’ anal activity is so unimaginably inhumane that I cannot understand why the ACLU or Amnesty International have not stepped in. If there is such a thing as the violation of human rights, this is it. However, since those charged with preserving freedom and eliminating inhumanity have failed to act, I, as future Ruler of the Known Universe ®,  must step in.

You people just have to do things the hard way.

There is absolutely no need for the expunging of digestive waste to take place at work. Unlike bladder evacuation, pooping only takes place once a day. It can be timed to happen in the proper venue. If this is not the case for a given pooper, they should see a physician, give up anal intercourse and/or buy a cork.

I am not unsympathetic to those who have to take an emergency work poop. We all occasionally get bad Mexican food at lunch or the unexpected shart. As always, I have thought things through and have come up with an equitable solution.

Employers should equip a single restroom as a designated Emergency Poop Station. This would be located as far from polite company as possible. Perhaps in the (heh heh) bowels of the building. Employees who have an urgent need for relief  would have to present an electronic ID to get in. This would trigger a building-wide announcement via the PA system. “JOHN SMITH IS NOW TAKING A DUMP AT WORK.” It’s the same principle as those exit doors with the alarms on them. It will prevent the casual, non-emergency use of the EPS.

There is one exception to EPS utilization. No foreigners would be allowed to enjoy the EPS. What those people eat smells like doody before it goes in. It is like Zyklon-B when it comes out. Safeguards will have to be installed.

I could just block their ID’s from accessing the EPS. But I have a much better solution.

The EPS would have an sensor much like the explosives detectors used at the airport. Should it discover something like  fried goat or roasted camel eyes in the feces, it would send a 10,000 volt shock through the toilet seat. Thus frying said foreigner to a delicate crisp.

Here is the truly brilliant part: the smell of a fried carcass will, of course, entice other foreigners. Since these people have no qualms as to what they eat, they will happily chow down on their sauteed fellow savage. Then they have to poop, they get zapped, the next alien comes in and the cycle continues until, voila, no more foreigners. Problem solved.

Look people, I should not have to do your thinking about stinking for you. We are all humans with t he same senses and the same reaction to disgusting things- with the exception of the above mentioned foreigners (who wipe their butts with their hands).

If you use a little thought, consideration and courtesy, this problem will become a fart in the wind.


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