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Monthly Archives: March 2009

The Whole Ball of Enchiladas

I have a lot of things on my “to do” list for The One Day They Let Me Run the Universe. I really want to concentrate on important items like making NASCAR interesting and finding a solution to condoms. But you people are muddling up my schedule with things you could take care of yourselves. Now here are some of the things you need to get to work on so I can handle the important stuff.

First of all there is a new trend in l33t speak, the word “kthanks.” It is usually used in a manner such as this: “Don’t ask me about things I am not interested in, kthanks.” It is  rude to make a request then presume I will comply. In fact, it is actually the same as making a demand. As I am petty and vindictive, saying that to me insures I will do the exact opposite of what you want. There is a word already designed for this situation which has a better chance of netting you the desired result: please.

While we are on the subject of verbiage, stop mixing up clichés! They have taken years to develop and have attained the rank of cliché for a reason. It is not up to you to undo decades of linguistic laziness. “You nailed it on the head.” “He bum rushed me.” “Your bush in my hand is worth two birds.” None of these is correct. Please use proper form or you will find that what isn’t good for the goose is good for Sully.

We have got all of these amazing and cool new things on the Internet like YouTube, twitter and Word Press. Who even cares about email let alone believes they can enlarge their penis, keep it hard longer and meet singles in their area to use it on? Why do spammers even bother? Actually I understand. People who are stupid enough to think a Nigerian prince wants to give them millions of dollars or that Bill Gates will send them to Disneyland need a place they can go to pursue their dreams. Those who are interested in finding out how they can make millions working from home can just register their email address at http://www.scams.moron and be fulfilled. This way, the rest of us will not have to bother with emptying our spam folders. Everyone is happy.

Get the f out of the left lane if you are not passing someone. I don’t care if you are “doing the limit”- do it in the other lane. You are not impressing us with your civic morality and you are certainly not making things safer by forcing people to jockey around your slow ass. Oh, if you have a minivan or an SUV you better get another vehicle if you don’t want to go up in a ball of flame five minutes after I take over. Word to the wise…

The above comes other the general heading of “get out of the way.” You do not need to bring the entire extended family (especially your obnoxious children) to the store with you. If you need to spend 20 minutes pondering which brand of pork and beans to buy, don’t park your cart in the middle of the damned aisle. Yenta it up with your obnoxious friends away from the entrance.

Stop buying PC’s and get a Mac. Microsoft is so messing with you. Every version of Windoze gets worse. Somewhere in a back room a bunch of geeks are laughing as they try to outdo each other in their perpetual “let’s see what we can dupe the computer illiterate into putting up with” contest. The only way to stop this madness is to stop buying into it. Make those pasty, fat, no-life computer geeks worry that they won’t be able to afford pizza and you will have a $200 laptop that could run NASA.

A special word to math geeks. Today is March 14 or 3/14 (in the civilized part of the world). Why are you calling it “Pi Day” when 3/14 is .214285? Pi is 3.141592. 3/14 is not even 1/14th of Pi. And as for you European savages of ciphering who think July 22 is Pi Day, you can’t even write the date correctly (22/7 my ass). Why should we even bother with you? Math weenies are supposed to be smart. Act like it. The calendar thing is just not going to work.  We will have no more of this calculated nonsense.

In fact, after all the crap I got over my opinion of International Woman’s Day, let’s just get rid of the whole concept of <insert noun here> Day. Children are always underfoot, we live on Earth, math geeks jerk off to Pi and women run the world every day. I hereby declare 1/1 through 12/31 to be Everything & Everyone That Exists Day.

That takes care of that.

There are so many more things you can all do to make the universe more pleasant for me. I wish you would be considerate and devote more energies to this effort. Be sure to check back, I am sure I will have more suggestions.

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