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We Need a Cure for Babies

I don’t like babies. They are smelly, noisy, selfish and generally embody everything I despise about the human species.

Now don’t get me wrong, making them is extremely enjoyable. It is possibly the most enjoyable act a human can participate in. The fact that nature had to come up with something as great as sex in order to make us want to produce babies shows that Nature puts them just below vacuums on the list of things to be abhored.

Nature knows that even the pleasure of making a baby is not enough to sustain them once we realize what a drag the squalling annoyance will place our lives. So, to keep us from killing them, it makes  babies “cute” (personally I think they all look like Winston Churchill). As a back up, it poisons mothers with mind-altering chemicals (aka “hormones”) in order to get them to accept the little bundles of killjoy.

With all of the advances in medicine we should certainly be able to do something about babies. They are sexually transmitted. And they certainly qualify as a disease (a condition that impairs normal functioning and is typically manifested by distinguishing signs and symptoms). At last count there are over 255 new cases of baby every minute. I know you are as shocked as I that the medical community ignores this pandemic of apocalyptic proportion.

I will grant that, at some point, we will need new people. Until we figure out a way to keep the old ones from wearing out, we are going to have to reproduce and the only way to do that seems to be babies. While we wait for doctors get off the golf course and on the stick, the best we will be able to do is mitigate the impact.

I kind of like the idea of test tube babies. Mix the appropriate cells and grow the results in vats in a warehouse. Make kids in a manner similar to how we make whiskey. Keep them there until they have aged properly. Once they are smarter than a dog (i.e., housebroken and trained to heel) they can go to some adoptive home where they will make fine pets.

Of course, there are some mentally ill women who want babies. Sorry moms, suicide- the ultimate mental illness- is defined as “ ruin of one’s own interests.” See also babies.

Let’s perform a dual public service by taking these self-destructive persons off the street and using them to incubate the next generation of rocket scientists and ditch diggers. We could breed (naturally or via turkey baster) and raise babies like feeder pigs. Once they are weaned and of suitable self-sufficiency, we send them off to be raised to adulthood elsewhere. Of course we want these ladies who perform the service to be comfortable and pampered so I suggest we fence off Hawaii and make it the Official Breeding Ground of Humanity.

Virologists know that isolation is important in controlling a disease until a vaccination is available. So, no matter what stopgap measure we choose, keeping babies out of pubic is the key to a disease-free society.

Ah, imagine such a Utopia. No children spitting up on themselves in restaurants. No brats screeching in the theater just as the important plot twist is revealed.

Most of all, I will be able to do and say whatever the fuck I want without having to worry about The Children ™.


9 responses to “We Need a Cure for Babies

  1. Ram Venkatararam January 17, 2009 at 10:00 AM

    Personally, I find senior citizens to be more disturbing. They are excessively needy, smell equally questionable and talk very slowly. The tie up the line at my convenience store…

  2. okathleen January 17, 2009 at 10:10 AM

    Why not make the incubation period longer so women give birth to 18 year olds?

  3. Michael January 17, 2009 at 10:40 AM

    Awww, that’s so sad that you feel that way. Don’t forget you were a baby once and people put up with you in a good natured way. Why would you deny others the same opportunity? Though I do agree most do look like Winston Chuchhill, especially on day one.

  4. breacadh January 17, 2009 at 12:55 PM

    I like the way you think. I think babies are great as long as they are asleep and at a good distance away from me.

  5. okathleen January 17, 2009 at 1:26 PM

    Michael, you’re right, I was a baby once, and my kids were babies once, it would be nice just to meet them at 18, toilet trained and tantrum free, almost…

  6. Savior January 17, 2009 at 8:15 PM

    The solution to having less babies is to have less immature people having sex…

  7. Pingback: (We Need a Cure for) Babies Got Backlash « Welcome to My Whirled

  8. MK January 18, 2009 at 12:29 PM

    What color ribbon should we use to denote Baby Awareness? My vote is that sickly yellowish of infant feces.

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